As the arresting officer leads me into a holding cell at Manukau Police Station, he chortles - "I'm not gonna end up in your movie am I?". I just smile. Too right mate. If I'm getting arrested, then I want something to show for it. I delight in the knowledge that I can always blur his face in editing. It's a small comfort as he locks the door and exits my view.
My cell is the size of a small bus shelter and made of concrete with reinforced glass doors at each end. There I was, naked as the day I was born. Well, not really... I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt but those of you with an iPhone who can imagine it confiscated know what I mean.
Suddenly, a wave of claustrophobia hits me. Not a tidal wave, more like the gentle ripple you'd encounter at Takapuna Beach. I compose myself and take in my surroundings. The ceiling has a vent which pumps cold air directly downwards. Having entered from a hot summer's day, I initially savour the arctic breeze.
The metal bench seat is beset with poorly executed graffitti; crude, angular scratchings that you might find on a fourth former's mathematics desk. At that moment, I briefly consider the types of crimes perpetrated by the men and women who have occupied this space before me.
Then, movement beyond the glass door catches my eye. I peer into the main processing office, a large open plan area with computers and airport-style metal detectors. Several officers mill about with tasks; one views a bank of surveillance monitors which pry into corridors, interview rooms and the car park. Others congregate to glimpse a giant flat screen playing
America's Next Top Model. I shake my my head and laugh. How on earth did I end up here?
My film got me here. A film project that required footage of a high-performance muscle car doing burnouts on a public road. The script called for it, so I had to find a way to capture these images. I could blame the scriptwriter, except... I wrote the script. And as I would soon find out, cops tend to frown upon what they refer to as "sustained loss of traction".
I get to my feet and begin pacing back and forth. The novelty of the experience is wearing thin and the air conditioning combined with the surrounding metal and concrete convert the cell into a makeshift refrigerator. I wonder if this feature is the result of poor planning or a deliberate ploy to make the occupant uncomfortable.
The officers in the processing area make sideways glances as if to say - "Sonny, no amount of pacing is going to get you out. We'll let you out when we want to let you out". I attempt to combat boredom by squinting into
America's Next Top Model, but even with muted sound Tyra Banks still annoys the shit out of me. If only I had a permit. Then I wouldn't be in here, right? Why didn't I have a permit again?
I didn't have a permit because I didn't have time to organise one. Honestly. I wasn't being lazy. In fact, I only found out a few hours earlier that I was even shooting the 'burnout scene'.
The reason? The camera. A friend was able to access the Phantom camera at very short notice. The Phantom is a digital video system that shoots remarkably fluid slow motion images. Those of you who have seen the intro to the film
Zombieland will appreciate its awesomeness. The Phantom normally hires out at a whopping $10,000 per day. This was an opportunity that I had to make the most of.
I knew that I wanted to capture slow motion images of the car doing burnouts. The car itself is a custom built '69 Corvette owned by Roger Williams, a gunmetal grey beast with a 572 cubic inch engine. In the film, it features as the prized possession of
Russell Norton, a reformed chop shop operator and born-again Christian minister played by Greg Smith.
Greg Smith as Russell Norton
Due to the short notice, I was unable to scout a location in time. As I was preoccupied with shooting a major scene elsewhere, I asked my brother Adrian if he could recommend a suitable location in rural South Auckland where we could carry out these manoeuvres. "Quarry Road, out in Drury" he says. Cool. I promptly call Roger and Greg and arrange for them to meet us there later in the afternoon.
When we arrive, the location is idyllic; a quiet country road flanked by paddocks and distant farmhouses. We park our crew vehicles in a long line further up the road and get to work. As there is a coincidental resemblance between Roger and Greg, we fit Roger into Greg's costume so he can carry out the stunts.
We record four separate burnouts with the Phantom camera shooting at 1000 frames per second;
40 times slower than normal speed. The rushes of the footage look AMAZING. The sheer detail of the wheels spinning and the stones spitting from the tar seal is breathtaking.
I couldn't be happier.
Suddenly, six police cars turn up with flashing lights and cordon off both ends of the road. At this stage I'm not that concerned. Although the size of the police response is surprising, this wasn't our first encounter with cops during the shoot and I was confident that I could reason with them like I did in Wellington (another story for another blog post).
But this would be more serious. Apparently, three of the neighbouring farmhouses had called the police with news that an impromptu boy racer burnout convention was taking place. I immediately look to our line of crew vehicles further up the road and swing my head to the houses dotting the landscape. Of course that's what it looked like, from
their perspective. It's then that an officer informs me that Quarry Road is a local hotbed for boy racer activity.
Despite this, I feel like I'm making headway with the responding officers. Clearly we're not boy racers and we weren't being deliberately negligent. Individually, the officers appear empathetic to our situation but it's when they confer collectively that things take a turn for the worse.
With legislation that is merciless on deliberate or sustained loss of traction, the police turn their attention to Roger and the road worthiness of his suped-up Corvette. Suddenly, there was the real threat of him being charged and his car being impounded. I couldn't believe it. Here was Roger, kindly giving up his free time to support my project, providing us with with free use of such a unique vehicle and how do I repay him? With a criminal conviction and a pink sticker on his car?
(gulp)
In that moment, I would've forgiven Roger for taking a swing at me. But he didn't. He remained calm and collected in a manner that made me think perhaps he'd been in this predicament before.
I launch into a spiel worthy of James Spader on
Boston Legal in an attempt to divert the blame from Roger to myself. I make it clear to the officers that he was operating under my instruction; that the vehicle's sustained loss of traction was purely for the purposes of making a film. Okay, so I didn't have a permit - but the conditions were safe and the environment controlled.
After hearing my impassioned plea, the officers send each other confused looks. This was a situation that fell between the cracks of the law and required common sense and understanding. I see the wide eyes of the rookie cop twitching to make an arrest, but under what charge? As the six or seven officers huddle to make a decision and consult their superior via cellphone, Roger and I exchange a rueful glance.
While I've got my hands full with the police, Jason wisely spies the chance to record some guerilla footage amongst the flashing lights and blue uniforms. He instructs our actor Greg to get back into his minister collar and tweed jacket and to act as if the cops had pulled him over.
The sight of Greg in character standing next to the Corvette sheepishly praying for forgiveness elicits laughter from the crew. This footage will almost certainly serve as a humourous cutaway in the film (these are the shots that the arresting officer was curious about at the beginning of this blog post).
Russell (Greg Smith) repenting his sins.
When the officers return from their time-out, they sensibly drop any potential action towards Roger. However, I'm not that fortunate. "Party to operation of a vehicle causing sustained loss of traction" would later be their edict. Aye? Punishing me for not having a permit I could understand, but this? I suppose they had to ping someone for tearing up the asphalt.
Inexplicably, the cops then call for a tow truck. What? They're impounding the Corvette?! Seizing the car seemed a bit over the top to me, especially as they weren't charging Roger with anything. The sight of that Corvette being winched up onto the tow truck was horrible and in that moment, I feel like a complete asshole.
Roger deflects my profuse apologies with a philosophical attitude and an appreciation for the fact that I (rightfully) owned up to everything. He strokes his greying goatee and laments - "They treat this stuff very seriously Eldon - hopefully you won't get any prison time". I turn to him anxiously and am met with a slow-forming grin. When I realise he's joking, I burst into laughter. Wait, he is joking - isn't he? I chose to keep laughing.
Which brings me back to the holding cell at Manukau Police Station.
An officer ushers an offender from another cell into the main processing area. There's an odd moment where we size each other up through the reinforced glass and the inmate reacts with bewilderment. It's little wonder; my attire suggests that I've been detained from a tennis match.
I can see his mind cycle through all the possible crimes that could have landed me here. In awkwardness, I can't help but smile. He recoils with trepidation. This white-boy is crazy! Either that, or he thinks I'm a homo. Two officers then lead him through the routine of fingerprinting, a pat-down body search and questioning. Ah, so this is what awaits me.
After two more hours of sitting, waiting and pacing, a female officer approaches my cell and unlocks it.
"Eldon Booth?"
I follow her into the processing facility, eager to escape the confines of the human freezer. She takes my fingerprints and I'm somewhat impressed with the technology of it all. I always thought those digital fingerprint searches in
CSI: Miami were bullshit and conveniently speedy for plot purposes. In saying that, there was a slight hiccup when the software couldn't determine if my fingerprints actually belonged to somebody else or not. There's a short wait as she's forced to restart the computer.
The female officer then leads me over to the walk-through metal detector. I remember thinking it odd that they would check me for contraband
after putting me in the holding cell. But hey, who am I to question the sense of protocol?
Satisfied that I'm not carrying a switchblade, the female officer takes my photograph and proceeds to ask me a series of questions from her perch behind a ridiculously high counter. Seriously, I feel like a five year old trying to buy a sausage roll from a high school tuck shop.
She then becomes caught up in the details of whether my hair is "curly" or "wavy" and if my eyes are "brown" or "light brown". She leans in closer. "Do they have a bit of green in them?". "Um, I don't know, I can't see them" - my smart-arse retort escapes before I can reel it back in. The male officer watching the surveillance monitors chuckles and shakes his head.
She then asks surveillance monitor guy to come over and administer the body search. It must be procedure that a man has to do it. Obviously. And it appears that my wisecrack has somehow turned the floor into
Open Mic Night at the Classic. As he asks me to lean against the counter and spread my legs to shoulder width, he offers a brief comedic repartee aligned to
Brokeback Mountain. I feign laughter and wonder how many times he's used those gags before.
Still, I'd rather suffer bad comedy than get the (waa-kish!) rubber glove.
"He's clean" the officer quips as he returns to his coffee and swivel chair behind the surveillance monitors.
The female officer passes me a clear plastic bag and I'm reunited with my keys, wallet and iPhone. She explains that they're releasing me with a 'formal caution' - meaning I wouldn't be charged or need to appear in court. More importantly, it wouldn't result in a criminal record. Phew!
Finally, I exit the station and call my brother to tease him - "Hey douche-bag, next time I ask you for a location can you pick a place that the cops don't regularly patrol for boy racers!". Through the crackling reception, Adrian laughs - "True, I didn't think of that, I just thought you wanted to know the place where everyone goes to do burnouts!".
Ultimately, I suppose common sense prevailed. The following day I went back to the station with Roger and lodged an official appeal to have his Corvette released from the impound. Thankfully, it was returned to him within a week with no fines attached - which was a huge relief.
Looking back, I guess you could say it was all worth it based on the amazing quality of the footage we captured - right Roger? ...Roger?
.